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Behind The Smile

August 10, 2018

 

 

Behind this smile is a girl who has deep insecurity. I have been open and honest about struggles with anxiety, but what I haven’t been honest about are the struggles with rejection, insecurity, and low self-worth. I think I appear confident. But inside my head, thoughts brew and brew into a spiral of anxiety.

 

In the stillness and quiet of the morning, negative thoughts creep in my head telling me, “you are not good enough.” Rejection, insecurity, and low self-worth seem to be woven into the deepest parts of my innermost being. I’d like to think this was the case for everyone. I was foolish to believe these lies for most of my life, and it has affected who I am, how I treat others, and what I believe about myself. It can be traced back to feeling abandoned and unloved in toxic unhealthy relationships from my past. THAT is what I have chased the majority of my life – seeking validation in relationships and someone else to fill me up and make me happy. But, every time I was left devastated, empty, and broken. I desperately wanted to be loved, and it eventually grew into seeking the approval of everyone – friends, siblings, significant others, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. All of this combined with trying to be a successful actress/singer, carefully orchestrated into the perfect recipe for complete and utter brokenness. I know this all played a big part in anxiety and depression over the years – that is, until my eyes were opened, and I was able to recognize and realize what was happening. THIS was a turning point for me. 

 

 

This is all the work of the devil. He knows exactly where I am weak and will strike fiery darts at any moment he sees an opportunity. He was taking me further and further away from Christ. I was pursuing what the world had to offer, and that never wins. It may provide temporary happiness, but it will never leave one satisfied. There is only one thing that can truly satisfy us, and that is Christ himself. He is now making me a new creation in Him. Don’t get me wrong, it is a very difficult struggle, and I will never be perfect in this area, but it’s a process that takes time, and ultimately, all I can strive for is to make progress.

 

 

Recently, I read a book that struck a deep chord with me, and I am reading it again because it’s so good – “Uninvited” by Lysa Terkeurst. It is her real & raw story about her struggles with rejection and tools for you to overcome them. Here are some TRUTH’S to cling to and ones I need to constantly remind myself of:

 

For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” So, we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6)

 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

 

“I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

 

Do I really believe all these? I know them in my head to be true, but in my heart, these are often  hard concepts to grasp. All in all, it says that for those struggling, with ANY insecurity and past hurts, to reject the negative lies that come from Satan and replace them with God’s truth. Not only that, but surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and your wellbeing. We are all our own worst critic, myself included.

Here are some amazing quotes from the book itself:

 

“If we become enamored with something in this world we think offers BETTER fullness than God, we will make room for it. We leak out His fullness to make room for something else we want to chase.”

“The spotlight never fixes our insecurities. It only magnifies what we thought popularity would cover up.”

“With You, Jesus, I’m forever safe, I’m forever accepted, I’m forever held. Completely loved and always invited in.”

 

I can’t recommend this book enough. I just want to encourage anyone reading this that you are not alone in whatever you may be going through. Life.Is.Hard. We all need saving! Don’t ever let these lies of rejection and hurt destroy you! I’m so thankful I realized all of this when I did, because the path of healing and understanding is so freeing. I pray that you all may know Jesus as your Savior and know His love for YOU, because that is the unconditional love we all crave.

Thank you for letting me share my heart! 

Xo,

 Photos by Lindsey Lyons

 

 

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